


Love rescue me

by Marittimo



Series: There's always a space in my heart for you [1]
Category: 24 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Face Slapping, M/M, Mention of attempted suicide, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Self-Blame, Sharing a Bed, Sleeping In Each Other's Arms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:41:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27516250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marittimo/pseuds/Marittimo
Summary: "What do you want?" He asked scornful as Tony stepped inside.For a moment he felt ashamed to be seen like this, at his worst. The house was a mess too, a collection of empty bottles and dirt, but Tony seemed more concerned abouthiscondition rather than the house's. "To check on you, you haven't been answering your phone." He said."It's none of your business." Jack replied, defensive. He had disconnected it days ago, couldn't stand to answer any more calls of condolence from friends and relatives asking him how he was.
Relationships: Tony Almeida/Jack Bauer
Series: There's always a space in my heart for you [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2042143
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place right after day 1, there will be no spoilers from other seasons in the whole series.

_He was kneeling on the floor, the cold of the concrete penetrating his skin, his bones, his_ mind _._  
 _Teri was cold too in his arms, but her blood burned as it poured down on his hands and stained his clothes._  
 _He wanted to scream but couldn't, still waiting, hoping to hear his wife answer his desperate calling, even though he knew she never would._

Jack woke up covered in sweat but with a cold shiver running through his spine.  
No matter how much time had passed since that day, Jack seemed to always go back to it in his nightmares.

And how much time had passed since then, really? He didn't know, had no idea what day of the week it was anymore, or what month even.  
His life had become a sad solitary routine, where he only ever left his house when his fridge was empty.

Eating was a natural process, mechanical. He didn't need to do much, just heat up a pre-cooked meal or order take out.  
Drinking came easily too, Jack's only relief was when he drowned himself in alcohol and passed out. Most of the time he was so out of it he managed not to dream of her, or maybe he just couldn't remember it once he woke up.

The drinking hadn't started with Teri's death though, rather when he realized he had no one left, that he had let down everyone and was nothing more than a failure: when Kim had told him she was moving out, going to stay with aunt Shelly - Teri's sister.

Losing his daughter so soon after his wife had devastated him, but Jack knew he had let her go.   
He hadn't judged her. There was nothing left for her there anymore, and he knew she'd be safer as far from him as possible, happier even.

It didn't make it any easier.

The bottle from last night was still half full on the nightstand, and Jack took a good swig of it before he finally decided to get out of bed.  
He dragged himself downstairs and sat on the couch, emptying the bottle in just one sip as he turned the tv on, just to have some background noise as he sulked.

He didn't know how much time had passed since he got up, how long he had laid there for when he heard it.  
A knock on his door, loud.

Jack didn't remember ordering any takeout, so he didn't move, figuring it wasn't worth answering.

The second knock was louder, accompanied by a familiar voice. "Jack, I know you're in there, open up."  
Tony, Jack recognized. One of the only friends he had left.

"I don't wanna break your window, but I will if I have to!" Tony continued, his voice growing tenser.  
"Leave me alone, Tony!" Was Jack's only answer. He didn't want any company right now, especially not from someone that reminded him so much of that fateful day.  
"So you _are_ in there." Tony commented, and there was a note of relief in his voice. "Come on then, open the door."

Jack didn't know what convinced him to answer Tony in the first place, nor what pushed him on his feet to open the damned door. Later on he would call it fate, destiny.

"What do you want?" He asked scornful as Tony stepped inside.  
For a moment he felt ashamed to be seen like this, at his worst. The house was a mess too, a collection of empty bottles and dirt, but Tony seemed more concerned about _his_ condition rather than the house's. "To check on you, you haven't been answering your phone." He said.  
"It's none of your business." Jack replied, defensive. He had disconnected it days ago, couldn't stand to answer any more calls of condolence from friends and relatives asking him how he was. 

"Also, your neighbors say they haven't seen you leave the house in a week." Tony added, and this time Jack was sure he heard concern in his voice.  
Jack stopped to think for a moment. A week, Tony had said. Was it possible? Had it really been that long since he last went out? Then how long had Kim been gone? How long since Teri...  
  
Jack shook his head, he couldn't think about that now, couldn't have a breakdown in front of his friend. "Cut the crap, Tony." He said instead, masking his grief behind anger. "You have _no right_ to come in here and lecture me, not after all I've been through!"

"That's not what I'm here for." Tony interrupted him, and he sounded sincere. Jack furrowed his brows. "Why else would you be here?" He asked, confused.  
Tony looked down then, hurt. "You're my friend, Jack. I was worried about you." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I realize now I should have come earlier, but I was trying to give you some time."

"I thought you could come out of this on your own, but I was wrong." He continued, and Jack wasn't sure if Tony was talking to him or to himself. "But I'm here to make it up to you now." He finished, meeting Jack's eyes again and resting a hand on his shoulder, looking a bit more confident than when he walked in.

But Jack was quick to shatter all his hope. "And what if I don't want your help? Have you considered that?" He snapped, and jerked away from Tony's touch.  
He just wanted to be left alone, and there was no way Tony could help him anyway. No one could.

Tony was taken aback by that unexpected burst, and stayed quiet for a moment. When he finally spoke again it was with his most soothing voice. "There's no shame in admitting you need it, you know. I won't judge you Jack, you have my word."

But Jack wasn't about to listen to reason and shook his head. "Go home, Tony. Life is short, stop wasting your time on me. You cannot help me."  
"Please don't say that..." Tony implored him, but Jack kept on talking. "It's true. But you just don't get it, do you, Tony? There's nothing you can do. You can't bring her back to me."  
There was no stopping the tears that left his eyes, and finally, Jack let go.

His facade started to break, as if by saying it out loud he was finally facing reality, the dreadful realization that his wife was dead and she wouldn't come back, that his daughter hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. That he'd have to live without them for the rest of his life.

"She's gone, Tony..." He said, his voice breaking. "How can I keep going without her? What is left for me to live for?"  
Instinctively, Tony wrapped his arms around him in a reassuring embrace, and Jack clung tightly to him, trying to muffle his sobs in the crook of Tony's neck.

Tony held him tighter and promised himself that he'd help Jack out of that situation even if it was the last thing he'd do.


	2. Chapter 2

Overwhelmed and having been sleep-deprived for weeks, Jack had fallen asleep in his arms, and Tony found himself pondering on how he could help his friend as his mind kept going back to his words and the resigned expression on his face.  
Jack had looked like a man that had nothing left to lose as he spoke, and it terrified Tony to wonder just how far Jack could go to take the pain away.

 _'What he said, about not having anything left to live for... that's borderline suicidal, who knows what he might do if I leave him alone.'_ Tony reasoned, his concern growing by the minute. _'I need to stay here, keep an eye on him. I can't leave him to his guilt and his path to self-destruction.'_ He realized, knowing it wouldn't be easy to convince Jack.

But, for him, Tony would try his best.

~

Not even an hour had passed when Jack woke up.  
He was disoriented for a moment as he realized he was holding on to something, _someone_ , but his confusion was quick to turn into shame as soon as he remembered what had happened.  
_'God, what must he think of me now?'_ He wondered, taking a deep breath before he dared to look up and face Tony.

"Hey," Tony said with a smile, "good morning."  
"Tony, I... I'm so sorry." He began, feeling his cheeks starting to blush. He would have continued with his apologies, but Tony was quick to interrupt him.

"None of that." He said, shaking his head. "I'm so glad you opened up to me."  
The thankful look in his eyes told Jack he was sincere, and he furrowed his brows, confused. "And you didn't mind that I decided to take a nap on you?"  
"Not much, honestly." Tony confessed with a chuckle. "Besides, you needed it."

"Would you mind if I stayed the night?" He asked out of the blue once Jack had got up.  
Jack stopped in his tracks and turned towards him, tense. "I don't need a babysitter, you know." He pointed out.  
Tony sighed, knowing Jack wouldn't like what he was about to say. "I wouldn't be so sure about that." He murmured.

"The fuck does that mean?" Jack asked raising his voice, suddenly defensive.  
"Well, after what you said before about not having a reason to live anymore... I don't trust you, Jack. I honestly don't know what you might do." He confessed, hoping Jack could get the hint without he had to say his greatest fear out loud.

But Jack just chuckled bitterly. "What, you think I'm gonna kill myself?"  
Tony looked down, refusing to meet his eyes, and that's when Jack finally got it. "You do." He said, shocked. "You actually think that!" Jack realized at that moment how hopeless he must have sounded before.

He also realized how much Tony cared for him.

It was nice, Jack decided, knowing that someone still cared if he lived or died. He hadn't expected that.  
In all honesty he hadn't even expected Tony to come to check on him, let alone stay after he had all but passed out on top of him.

"Yeah, I do." Tony admitted. The pain and guilt in his eyes were as plain as they were devastating, and Jack knew he wouldn't be able to maintain eye contact much longer. "Tony..." He started, not knowing what he was going to say next.  
"Can you blame me Jack?" Tony interrupted him, his voice trembling.

Jack took a moment to consider it. Could he really?  
It wasn't as if he had never thought about it. The day Kim left he had even brought his glock to his temple, _just to know what it would feel like_ , he had told himself. His finger had lingered on the trigger for a long while before he had realized what he was doing.

"No, I suppose not." He admitted. He wanted to promise Tony he wouldn't do something like that again, but it wouldn't be the truth and they both knew that.

"So you'll let me stay?" Tony asked expectantly, his eyes wide in disbelief.  
He hadn't expected Jack to give up this easily and had been ready to have a long argument about it.

Jack was hesitant and thought about protesting for a moment, but when he tried to think about why he was fighting so adamantly against it he couldn't find one reasonable answer.  
"Yeah, sure." He finally gave in. "But I'm warning you, that couch is hard."  
Tony just chuckled, relieved and surprised by Jack's unexpected willingness to be helped. "It's alright, I'm sure it won't be the worst place I've slept in."

"Wait here just a moment, I'll go get you a blanket." Jack offered, and disappeared upstairs.  
He was back shortly after and put what he was carrying on the couch. "Here it is, I brought two just in case you need another."

"Is there anything else you might need?" He asked, wanting to make his stay as comfortable as possible. "Another pillow, a pajama maybe-" He started listing, but was soon interrupted.

"Your gun." Tony said straightforward, knowing there was no way around this.  
"Of course." Jack nodded, taken aback slightly. _'I guess I should have seen this coming.'_

"I'll... I'll go get it." He managed to say before he returned to his room.

The glock was no longer in its usual spot on his nightstand. Right after the incident Jack had moved it into the safe, not trusting himself around it.

He stared at it for a while, and for a moment considered asking Tony to come get it himself, afraid to even touch it. Then he finally wrapped his hand around it carefully and went back downstairs.  
His hands were shaking as he handed it to Tony, hesitating for just a second, then letting go of the gun and retreating his hands quickly, as if it had burned him.

"You're doing the right thing, Jack." Tony reassured him, seeing his struggle and wondering which had been more difficult for him, holding the gun in his hand or surrendering it to him.

"I know." Jack agreed with a whisper, and stood there staring into space as Tony laid down on the couch. 

"Good night, Jack." He said closing his eyes, and Jack couldn't help but notice how peaceful he looked like that, completely relaxed.  
It gave Jack hope, somehow. Who knew, maybe Tony's optimism could really help him out of his mourning. "Good night, Tony. And thank you." He said.

Tony opened his eyes at that, looking up at him curious. "What for?" He was an intruder in Jack's house, an overprotective guest that Jack merely tolerated. Why on earth would he thank him?

Jack just stared at him for a moment, gratitude plain on his face.  
"Caring about me." He said finally, then turned around and left before Tony could reply.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Tony woke up late.  
Checking his watch he saw it was almost 10:30, he didn't know how he had managed to sleep that much.  
Luckily he wouldn't have to leave for work too soon.

After he got up he looked around for Jack and found him sleeping soundly on his bed.  
He smiled at the sight, happy to see him getting some well-deserved rest.

Going back downstairs he decided he'd make them some breakfast before Jack woke, and walked to the kitchen to check what was there.

He stood bewildered in front of the open fridge for a moment, trying to rationalize what he was seeing.  
Save for some beers it was empty, and so were the cupboards, he discovered once he had searched the whole kitchen.  
"God, Jack... How can you live like this?" He whispered, shaking his head in disbelief.

Less than a minute after he was already out of the door, headed to the closest supermarket.

~

He was back in a little less than 15 minutes, two full plastic bags in his hands.  
He had figured he could teach Jack how to make some simple dishes and had bought quite a lot of stuff, not sure of what Jack would like. 

Only when he reached the door did he realize he was locked out.  
"Dammit." He cursed, laying the bags down and knocking, hoping Jack had got up while he was away. 

"Hey." Jack greeted him, opening the door still in his pajama.  
"Hi." Tony replied, picking the bags back up. Just as he walked to the kitchen he heard Jack's quiet voice again.   
"I thought you left in the middle of the night."

Tony stopped in his tracks, turning to him. Behind his bitter smile Tony could see how much that thought had hurt him.  
"Fuck, I'm sorry. I should have left a note." Tony realized, feeling terribly guilty.  
"It's fine, don't worry." Jack said, reassuring. "Where did you go?" He added, trying to change the subject and eyeing the plastic bags suspiciously.

"Grocery shopping." He said. For a moment he thought about saying nothing more, then decided it was his responsibility to confront Jack. "Your fridge was empty, Jack."  
He just nodded, lowering his gaze. "Yeah, I'm aware."  
"When was the last time you had a meal?" Tony asked him, concern plain in his eyes. "And I mean a _proper_ one."

Jack had to think about it, and it took him a moment to remember. "I ordered take out three days ago." He said finally.  
"Three- Jack..." Tony looked down at him with a mix of exasperation and sympathy, then decided to let it go and headed to the kitchen.

Jack followed after a while and found him looking around for something, flour, sugar, and eggs on the counter behind him.  
"Do you even own a pan?" He asked frustrated, turning to face him.

Jack couldn't help but chuckle. "Are you seriously considering making pancakes at 11 am?"  
"Shush or you'll get none." Tony warned him with a playful smile.  
Jack raised his hands in surrender then, smiling. "Alright, then. Here's your pan." He said, handing it to him.

Seeing Tony preparing that late breakfast, Jack lost himself in the familiar domesticity of it, and for the first time he managed to think back to his life with Teri without getting lost in his guilt.

~

They had a nice couple of hours during which Jack allowed himself to push aside his grief, and they both enjoyed spending time together like they used to do.  
It felt too good to be true, and soon it came to an end.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I really have to go now." Tony said after some time, looking as saddened as Jack felt hearing those words.  
"Oh." He looked down at that, his face falling.  
"Work." Tony explained, desolate, and it felt like a punch straight to Jack's guts.

The thought of CTU brought back the wave of memories he had tried his best to forget in the past hours.

"Will you be okay?" Tony asked, suddenly worried. Should he call CTU and take the afternoon off?  
"Yeah, don't worry about me." Jack answered, but Tony had noticed how much his friend's mood had changed suddenly.  
"You know you can call me anytime if you need me." He offered, but Jack shook his head, still not meeting his eyes. "There's no need for that, just... when will you be back?"

"Wait." He said, getting up and reaching for his jacket, taking a piece of paper out and handing it to Jack. "Here, these are my daily shifts."  
Jack nodded, looking down at them grateful. "Thanks." He smiled weakly.

Putting the jacket on Tony walked to the door, and Jack followed him, trying his best to hide his despair.

"Wait." He said suddenly, an idea striking him, and he walked back into the living room.  
"Here, have these." He said once he got back, handing something to him.

Tony took it in his hands and looked down. It was a pair of keys.

"Just in case." Jack explained with a smile.  
_'Just in case I'll ever think I don't need your help again and refuse to open the door._ ' He thought, but said nothing out loud.

Tony looked up from his hands and smiled back genuinely. "Thanks, Jack. I appreciate it."  
"See you later." He said, walking out reluctant.

"Have a good day." Jack wished him. _'I'm gonna miss you.'_

~

Jack waited till he saw Tony's car disappear before he went to the fridge and took out a beer.  
He had almost reached the couch before he reconsidered, then he went back and took two more.  
He desperately wanted to forget all the memories that had resurfaced at the mention of that cursed place, even for just a couple of hours.

 _'I'll be okay by the time Tony comes back.'_ He told himself, unsure if he even believed himself. _'He won't even notice.'_

Thoughts of Teri were flooding his mind now.  
Her emotionless face, eyes still open and staring up at the ceiling as he held her in his arms for the last time.  
_'I told her she'd be safe there, that the worst was behind us.'_

Her white casket being lowered slowly into the ground, Kim refusing to meet his eyes during the ceremony.  
_'I should have protected her.'_

The look of pure hate in his daughter's eyes when she looked at him before she walked out.  
_'She was right to leave. I deserve to be miserable.'_

He opened the bottle with the back of the remote and drank half of it in just one swig.  
_'I don't deserve Tony's care. Can't he see I'm not worth it?_ _'_

Having emptied the first one Jack reached for the second bottle.  
_'I need to make him leave, or I'll hurt him too.'_

Even the thought of it was too much for him to handle, and Jack was terrified.  
"I can't hurt him, I can't!" He screamed, getting up and throwing the empty bottle at the wall in a fit of rage.

His mind was getting more and more clouded by then, and he didn't know when he had sat back down again, only that he had a bottle of jack daniels in his hands now, and he was determined to empty it.

His eyes started to feel heavier the more he tried to keep them open, so he reasoned he could give in and close them, only for a moment.

 _'After that I'll get up. Clean up.'_ He thought to himself, nodding. _'He won't even notice.'_


	4. Chapter 4

"Jack, I'm back." Tony called out as he entered the house.

He had grown worried when Jack hadn't answered his knocking and was glad for the keys he had been given, even though he hadn't expected to need them so soon.  
When he stepped into the living room the sight that welcomed him was disappointing but not completely unexpected.  
"Jack..." He whispered softly, shaking his head.

Jack was sprawled on the couch, passed out, the empty bottles all around him explanation enough of what had happened while he was gone.  
One was shattered on the other side of the room, and carefully Tony walked to the kitchen to get a broom.

Jack was still asleep when Tony was done collecting all the broken glass, and that's when Tony realized he'd have to do more than clean up after him if he wanted to really help Jack, no matter how much his friend might resent him afterwards.

Quietly, he opened all of the kitchen's cupboards, searched every shelf, every drawer, every closet in the house even, and slowly but surely got a hold of all of Jack's alcohol.  
Then he proceeded to get rid of it, pouring every last drop of it down the sink.

As he got back from the kitchen after having thrown away the empty bottles he saw Jack still passed out on the couch.

Tony looked down at his friend with sympathy. "I know you'll hate me, but I'm doing this for you. I hope you'll understand."

~

Tony woke up to the sound of slamming doors and frustrated sighs.  
He hadn't meant to fall asleep, wanted to be awake for when Jack woke up, but work had been tiring and the armchair had felt just too comfortable.

Footsteps were approaching him now, and Tony turned around at the sound.  
"Tony." Jack growled low and menacing walking towards him. "Where's all my booze?"  
Tony didn't like Jack's threatening tone but figured there was no point in lying. "I got rid of it." He confessed calmly.

The slap on his face caught him by surprise, but Tony didn't strike back, he barely even flinched.

Enraged by the lack of response, Jack took him by the collar and got him on his feet, then slammed him violently against the wall.  
"How dare you?" He yelled. "You come into my house uninvited, you judge me when you have _no idea_ what I'm going through, and now you even make my choices for me? How dare you, Tony? How dare you!"

The second slap was harder, and Tony hissed at the sting, but still refused to react to it.  
"I forgive you, Jack." He said instead, and he meant that. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me."

 _'Hurt him...'_ Those words penetrated through the haze of his rage, and only then did Jack realize what he'd done.

 _'She was right, I'll always end up hurting the ones I love.'_ He realized in horror, and he stepped back, his eyes wide open in panic as he looked at his hands.  
"God, what have I done..." He whispered.

He felt devastated, disgusted by himself. And most of all he felt dangerous.  
"Y-you should go." He said once he had put some distance between them, not daring to look up at his friend. _'Do I even deserve to call him that anymore?'_ He wondered, his heart sinking at the thought of having ruined what was between them.

But Tony just shook his head. "I really shouldn't. I'm here to help you and I won't turn my back on you." He smiled reassuringly at Jack, reaching out for him and patting his shoulder.

The sudden touch made him shiver. "Why aren't you mad at me?" Jack asked, burying his face in his hands, still refusing to believe he had raised them against Tony. "Why didn't you strike me back? Why didn't you even try to defend yourself?"  
_'Why aren't you leaving, running as far away from me as possible?'_

"You're suffering, Jack. And I know you didn't mean to do it, not really. That's why I forgave you already." Tony's voice was still calm as he spoke, there was no anger in it, no resentment. "Do you get it now, why I'm trying to help you?" He asked.

"No." Jack confessed genuinely, finally looking up at him. "Why are you doing this? What's in it for you?"

Tony's smile fell. "You're my friend, Jack. Do I really need another reason?" He said, hoping he could avoid a conversation he didn't know if he was ready for.

But Jack had always been good at reading him, seeing right through him, and that day was no exception.  
"No, you don't. But I don't think that's your only reason for helping me."

Tony took a deep breath. He thought about it for a moment, not sure how much he was willing to share. "I saw what alcoholism can do, how much worse it can get." He started. "And I don't want that for you, wouldn't want that for anyone." His voice was beginning to shake, and Tony was determined not to look up and meet Jack's eyes.

"My father." He said as explanation after a moment of unbearable silence, deciding he could entrust his friend with his secret. "I saw how it consumed him and I couldn't help him, couldn't save him from himself." Tony answered, his memory going back once again to all the things he had suffered through, when there was nothing he could do to prevent them from happening.

_His mother's cries in the night, 'Ya no puedes seguir así, ¡me das miedo!'_  
_His father's yelling, then sudden silence. Hushed sounds, muffled half-hearted apologies._  
_He knew they were pointless. It would happen again, as it had every other time._

_Another night, same cries of pain. Waking up to sirens._  
_Red and blue lights flashing in from his bedroom window._  
_'Accidente, señora. Su hombre.' A police officer trying his best to explain what had happened with the little Spanish he knew. 'Tres hombres en otro carro. Dos en_ hospital _. Uno muerto.'_

Tony shook his head, wishing once again he could just forget.

"Let me save _you_ at least." He said at last. "I know it sounds fucked up, but helping you helps me." He confessed, finally finding the courage to look up again.  
"Just let me help you." Tony pleaded again, and in his saddening eyes Jack saw just how much Tony needed this to bury the ghosts of his own past as well.

It was that realization that stopped Jack from telling him to leave, to get away from him before he could hurt him again.

"You still want to?" He asked instead, needing to make sure Tony wasn't saying it just for his sake. "Even after what happened?"  
"Even more now." Tony assured him with a nod.

Jack pondered on what to say for a moment, then he just wrapped his arms around Tony in a tight hug. "Thanks, Tony. I don't know if I could have done it alone." His voice broke as he spoke, and his hands grabbed Tony's shoulders so hard it hurt, but Tony didn't complain.

"You won't have to." He promised him, and held him tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spanish translations - You can't keep doing this, you're scaring me!  
> (in broken Spanish) Accident, ma'am. Your husband. Three men in other car. Two in hospital. One dead.


	5. Chapter 5

It was 3 am when Tony woke, alerted by the sound of smashing glass accompanied by a soft 'Dammit!'  
It was his fifth night at Jack's place and despite how hard and uncomfortable that couch was, it was the first time Tony had woken up in the middle of the night.

Looking up towards the noise he saw Jack in front of the fridge, a broken glass on the floor next to him. He watched as Jack grabbed the broom and swept away the tiny pieces of glass, then took the orange juice from the counter and drank straight from the carton.

"Can't sleep?" Tony asked with a yawn.  
Jack turned quickly, and for a moment he almost looked scared.  
He relaxed when he saw Tony and remembered he was there. "Yeah." He answered finally.

"Insomniac?" Tony wondered.  
"Not really, no." Jack admitted. "I just... I get these nightmares lately and-" He closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to get those images out of his head.

"When it got too much I used to just drink myself to sleep, but... Well, I guess orange juice will have to do from now on." He said, but to Tony's trained eye his smile looked empty, fabricated just to reassure him.

In fact Jack was losing himself in his memories even as they spoke, his last nightmare still so vividly flashing in front of his eyes as he stared into space.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Tony's voice came unexpected after a moment of silence, and it somehow helped Jack out of his own mind. It grounded him in a way, binging him back to the there and then.  
And that's when an idea entered his mind.

"Tony, would you... would you mind if I stayed here for a while?" Jack was ashamed enough to ask for help, and was glad when Tony didn't ask for any reason why. "I could use some company right now." Was the only explanation he gave, and thankfully it seemed to be enough.  
"No, of course not." Tony assured him, making room for Jack next to him. "Come on, sit down." Jack smiled a little, and Tony's heart fluttered at the sight. It had been so long since Tony last saw him smile.

"Wanna talk about it?" He offered, but Jack just shook his head. "Believe me, you really don't want to know."  
"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't." Tony pointed out, still looking at Jack expectantly.

"Alright then." Jack gave in, taking a deep breath before starting. "Sometimes it's just the moment when I realized she was dead and there was nothing I could do to bring her back." It was hard for him to talk about it, to relive that horrible moment.

"But lately, ever since Kim left, they've changed." He continued. "She's alive in my dreams, or maybe she's not, but anyway she talks to me. And she's always angry."  
"She tells me that I've let her down, that I gave up on her. That I should have protected her better..." Jack hadn't realized he had started crying until Tony had offered him a tissue.  
"Thanks." He whispered as he took it, his voice breaking.

"Those are Kim's words, aren't they?" Tony asked, resting his hand on Jack's knee.  
Jack nodded, as Tony had expected.

"Teri never resented you, Jack." He reassured him, his voice strong and sure. "You did everything to save them that day, regardless of any consequences. You would have given your life for them, and Teri knew that."  
"It doesn't matter, I still failed her in the end..." Jack said, his voice trembling.

"Hey, listen." Tony grabbed his chin gently and made him turn to look into his eyes. "It wasn't your fault, Jack. Believe me."  
"You really think that?" Jack's voice faltered as he looked up at Tony, disbelief all over his face.  
"Yes." Tony reassured him, nodding. "There was nothing more you could have done."

Jack nodded as he let those words sink in. "Thank you." He said, grateful.

Once again Jack found himself buried into Tony's arms, the rhythm of his heart echoing in his ears and helping evening his breath.

"Stay some more, until you've calmed down." Tony's voice was soft and inviting, but Jack _couldn't_ stay. Could he?  
"No, I... I should go, let you go back to sleep, you-" He started, but Tony was quick to interrupt him. "It's no problem, really. That's what I'm here for." He assured him with a smile, and Jack nodded, persuaded.

It only took him a couple of minutes to relax into Tony's arms completely until he finally fell asleep. His body had collapsed, exhausted from weeks of sleep deprivation.  
He started snoring lightly and Tony rested his head against the couch and covered them both with his blanket, hoping the odd position wouldn't hurt his back too much come morning.

~

It wasn't yet dawn as Tony woke once again. He could only watch powerless as Jack stirred in his sleep, his jaw clenching and his breath quickening.  
"Shh, I'm here." He whispered into his ear, stroking his hair carefully. "It's alright, it's all in the past. You can let it go."

Incredibly, Jack seemed to relax under his touch and at the sound of his voice and Tony smiled, happy to be of help for once.  
"Sleep some more now." He said closing his eyes once more. "We both deserve it."


	6. Chapter 6

"Are the nightmares always so destructive?" Tony asked him that evening after they were done eating and were preparing to bed.  
"Yeah." Jack confessed, looking down. It was never easy for him to talk about it, to have to face this weakness of his, but opening up with Tony was getting easier every day.

They had fallen into a routine in the past days where Tony would leave for work in the morning, but even when he had an early shift he'd always woke Jack to let him know he was leaving, not wanting Jack to wake up alone and feel like he had abandoned him.

Sometimes Jack would just go back to bed after they ate breakfast together but lately, following Tony's advice, Jack had begun to spend his mornings looking around for a job.  
Being alone without something to do meant he had way too much time to think, and without drinking it was almost too much some days.

Not having much to do also meant he wasn't tired enough come the evening, and Jack dreaded laying in bed alone with his thoughts more than anything else.

"This morning you told me you hadn't slept that much in a long time." Tony pointed out. It had been comforting to him too to have Jack so close, knowing he was safe in his arms and nothing was going to happen to him. "So would it help if I was there?" He asked, finally turning to face Jack.

"What is it that you're suggesting?" Jack asked, furrowing his brows and swallowing nervously.  
He knew exactly what Tony was suggesting, and that idea excited him just as much as it terrified him.  
Of course Tony's presence would have helped, but it'd be as tempting as it would be soothing, and Jack wasn't about to risk their friendship for a good night of sleep.

"Well, yours is hardly a single bed." Tony pointed out, offering exactly what Jack had been fearing. "I don't want to impose, but maybe we could try it once, and if your nightmares don't get better then we know it doesn't work and I'll go back to the couch. What do you say?"

Jack knew he had to say no, that agreeing to this would only mean more chances of screwing up and staining their friendship forever. And he knew he couldn't afford to lose Tony.

"Well, it can't get any worse, can it?" He said instead, because Jack was just a man after all, and a weak one for that matter. "I'd like to try that, yeah."

~

They had gone upstairs and Tony was changing into his pajamas in front of him now. Jack had found himself staring at his shoulders for a moment before his gaze lowered, then had looked away quickly, afraid of being caught.

He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment he had realized he was attracted to Tony, but he knew it had been well before he moved in.

Jack had tried to deny it for the longest time while he was still married, afraid of what that meant. He would never admit it, but that same realization had been the main reason he had asked Teri to take some time apart. He had needed to figure it out, to understand whether his life with his wife had only been his way of hiding that side of him he had always known was there, but had tried to ignore and repress as much as he could.

His wondering had only grown once they separated, and it had taken him to a gay bar one night.

Even then he had never acted on his desire, but not for a lack of suitors. Jack had been surprised to discover that he didn't mind their advances but was rather flattered by them, and had found himself going back more than once, the constant guilty thought of having left Teri alone the only thing that had kept him from letting some handsome man take him home.

After some more self-questioning he had gone back to Teri though. Their time apart had made him realize his feelings for her were genuine, and his attraction to other men didn't have to mean he wasn't still deeply in love with his wife.

But Teri wasn't there anymore now.  
Nothing was stopping him from acting on his desire, from finally- Jack shook his head, trying to get that thought out of him.

What a stupid idea. As if Tony would ever look at him as anything more than a good friend. That he suggested they'd sleep together meant nothing, and Jack would be better off remembering that.

Having changed, Tony laid down next to him and Jack turned the other way, not to be tempted by the sight of Tony in his bed, so close, yet so out of reach.


	7. Let me forget about today until tomorrow

It was awkward at first, laying next to Tony. Even facing away from him and as far apart as he could manage, Jack still felt tense.  
He tried to imagine he wasn't there, that he was alone, but Tony's warm breath on the back of his neck made it impossible.

Jack laid there as still as he could, and only once he was sure Tony was asleep did he dare to turn and face him.

Tony was beautiful when he slept, Jack decided, his expression so peaceful and relaxed. He could have stared at him for hours and it still wouldn't have been enough.

He didn't know what finally convinced him, but Jack found himself wrapping his arm around Tony's waist tentatively, moving quickly yet carefully. His heart beat loud in his ears, scared at the thought of being caught red-handed, but it seemed Tony hadn't noticed, still sleeping soundly.

Jack sighed, relieved. In the morning he could always justify it by claiming to have been asleep the whole time, that his body had acted on its own accord. But for now, just for this precious moment, Jack could pretend, could imagine that was what they were, Tony and him.  
It shocked him how easily he could imagine how it would be to have his feelings reciprocated, to wake up every day next to Tony, to have him kiss him good morning.

It hurt to know it was all a farce, but Jack wanted it too much, needed some memories to hold on to in the future, in the vain hope that someday someone would feel the same about him as he did about Tony.

~

At some point during the night, Tony woke to find a strong hand on his hip. He smiled, snuggling closer to the warm body behind him.

It had been a long time since he last slept with someone and it felt so good, so _right_ , that for a moment Tony allowed himself to relax into the touch, forgetting whose hand it was, or better, forgetting why he shouldn't lean into his touch even more.

He tried to memorize the feeling of Jack's hand on him, to seal it in his memory forever, then gently took it and moved it away, not wanting Jack to wake up to the disappointment of holding him instead of whoever he was dreaming of.

 _'Teri. It's obviously Teri.'_ Tony reminded himself, sighing.

 _'Could he ever hold me like that, meaning it and knowing it was me?'_ He wondered.  
Tony shook his head. What a stupid question, of course not.  
Jack was straight and still very much in love with his late wife. No one would ever compare to her, and it would never be a man.  
Would never be _him_.

The sooner he stopped his stupid fantasies of a life with Jack, the better.

~

As Tony turned his back to him and laid his head back down on the pillow, Jack's heart sank.  
Tony's rejection hurt more than he had expected, even though Jack knew it was coming.

If a tear rolled down his cheek as he closed his eyes he didn't pay it any mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Bob Dylan's Mr. Tambourine Man


	8. Damn your love, damn your lies

Despite themselves, the next morning they woke up in each other's arms.

Apparently they had found each other in their sleep and were close now, _too close_. Still, none of them wanted to move away, enjoying the intimacy they both had been craving for so long.

Tony's eyes met his, and that's when Jack decided it was the right time to take his chance.  
He got even closer to Tony until their foreheads were touching.

He had moved slowly enough to give Tony all the time he'd need to stop him, to turn away if he had wanted to, but he hadn't moved.  
Tony just stared at him with expectant eyes and then Jack's lips were on his, accompanied by sweaty hands circling his waist, and Tony's heart sped up so much he thought it would explode.

For a moment he couldn't react, couldn't even think, and just lost himself in how good it felt to be touched that way, to be kissed with such eager passion. To be _wanted_.  
Soon Tony was kissing him back, his hand wrapping around Jack's neck. 

_'Jack... This is Jack!'_ He suddenly realized. And just like that, Tony remembered all the reasons why this was a mistake.

First and foremost, Jack was straight. Second, he was still traumatized by Teri's death and was likely just seeking some physical comfort.  
Which meant Jack didn't really want him.

And for as much as Tony wanted him he couldn't, _wouldn't_ do this knowing that Jack didn't really feel anything for him.  
He wouldn't let Jack use him and break his heart like that.

So he placed his hands on Jack's chest and pushed him away lightly, relieved when he met no resistance from him.  
"I should go." He said against his own desire, getting up and scanning the room for his clothes, anything to avoid having to confront Jack.

"Tony, wait!" The hurt on Jack's face was plain to see, but Tony was quick to turn around and avoid his gaze. "I'll be late for work." He said as he changed hastily.  
They both knew it was an excuse, and a weak one for that matter. Tony still had a full hour before his shift started.

Jack was quick to get up and lean on the wall, placing his strong arm between Tony and the door, making it clear that Tony wasn't leaving until he had heard what Jack had to say.  
"Look Tony, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, I really shouldn't have-" He started, his voice small and pleading, but Tony interrupted him. "Jack, I need to go."

"Will you be back?" He asked, not daring to meet his eyes.  
Tony sighed, torn between what he wanted and what he knew was the right thing to do. "I... I can't promise you that." He managed to say in the end.

At that moment Jack felt like a blow had hit his chest and all air had abandoned his body at once.  
"Tony... I know I've fucked up, but I don't wanna lose you." His voice broke as he spoke, and Tony couldn't help but notice how his jaw was trembling. He just wanted to reach out for Jack and hold him, kiss him, and tell him there was no way he could ever lose him, that he would always be there for him.  
"Please. You're the only one I have left..."

Tony sighed, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.  
It hurt to see Jack like that, but Tony stood by his decision. He had to go, if he stayed he'd be risking too much.  
_'I can't, not knowing it's all just a farce and he doesn't mean any of this.'_ He reminded himself, but his guilt didn't fade.

He took Jack's hand, gently moving it away. "Just let me go, Jack. Please." Their eyes finally met, and Tony could see his remorse mirrored in Jack's eyes.  
Jack shivered at the contact but did as Tony had asked, and then Tony was out of the door. For good probably, he reasoned.

Jack watched him get into his car and leave, and stayed there on the threshold long after Tony's car had left his sight, paralyzed by realizing what he'd done, what he'd lost.  
Only once the cold was penetrating his bones did Jack finally walk back inside, shutting the door behind him.

Tony was gone.

The thought seemed so alien, so _wrong_ that Jack struggled to believe it.  
He felt horrible about what had happened, and the mere thought of having forced himself on Tony disgusted him and filled him with self-loathing.

But the way Tony behaved around him, the way he looked at him at times when he thought Jack wouldn't notice, that spark of excitement in his eyes. How Tony's hands always lingered on his skin every time Tony found an excuse to touch him...  
Had Jack really misunderstood? Had it all just been wishful thinking?

Automatically, he looked over at where his alcohol used to be. He could really use a drink right now.

 _'I promised him I wouldn't...'_ He remembered, but there was a voice inside him that reminded him that Tony had promised he wouldn't leave him either. _'If he can break his promise why shouldn't I break mine?'_

He walked to the safe where he used to keep his gun and that hosted some alcohol too just in case, a place Jack was sure Tony hadn't searched.

Just as he thought, as he opened it Jack took out a half-full bottle of whiskey. Not much, but it would have had to do.  
For a moment he just studied it, turning it in his hands to get a better look at it. Then he went to put it on the kitchen counter and took out a glass. Only then did he finally open the bottle.

And then he poured all the whiskey down the sink, until the last drop.

Exhausted, Jack walked to the couch and sank into it, and when tears started forming in the corner of his eyes he didn't fight them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Fleetwood Mac's The Chain

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from U2's Love Rescue Me


End file.
